You have a few very minor errors in grammar and syntax, mostly the latter. You have done a very good job of narrating personal experiences. Your method of connecting of these experiences to FIT and a career is acceptable, but could be improved.

Your last two paragraphs are going in the right direction, but become a bit more trite with each line. They will be fine if they are reworked.

I suggest leaving out the sentence with the quotation entirely. In fact, it is probably the only sentence which weakens the essay as a whole. Being aware that it is a cliche, you should not be including it at all. The admissions officer wants to read an applicant’s own words and does not care which songs the applicant knows!

I do detailed line-by-line revisions of essays for several applicants each week. Of course I do not charge. It is my way of doing "community service". I recently edited a novel which was published this month.

If you would like me to suggest specific revisions in your essay, please email me. I will reply with directions for sending it to me in the on-line format which I use for revisions.

Thank you for the opportunity to read one of the most interesting essays I have seen lately.
References :

here is the essay:

From the exciting glamor of a fashion show to an eye catching window display, I have always had a fascination with fashion. After spending years reading magazines, watching runway shows and shopping with every spare cent I have, I believe I am ready to make my mark on the fashion world. My passion, creativity and desire to succeed make me a perfect candidate for FIT and the Fashion Merchandising Management program.

I have always been interested in the world of business. Growing up in the suburbs in New Jersey, I would spend most of my days at the town pool. One day my mother bought me a book to teach me different ways to make friendship bracelets by tying colorful strings in intricate patterns. Within a week I was taking custom orders from everyone in the neighborhood. I bought other colors of string to appeal to boys and not only girls, made sure I had multiples of every letter of alphabet beads, and even hired my sister to take orders and keep me organized. While most kids were splashing and running, I was playing CEO. I feel like I have always had a special relationship with fashion as well. My mother made me start doing my own laundry at 10 years old because I would wear an outfit for a few hours and then want to change. The way I saw it was that you have to dress a certain way to play house and that just may not be appropriate for kickball afterward. Needless to say my fashion passion continued to frustrate my parents as I grew older. In my teenage years I started reading magazines and watching fashion shows on TV. I started my first job at age 12 because I wanted a new trendy winter jacket but my parents wouldn’t buy it for me. Living in New York for the past three years has greatly fueled my love of fashion and the fashion industry. I draw inspiration daily from not only magazines and blogs, but also the vibrant street fashion that reflects the creativity and personality of this great city. To quote an almost annoyingly cliché song, “I want to be a part of it.”

I am confident that my many skills will also contribute to the FIT community. I have a keen sense of detail and strong analytical mind that I apply to everything I do. I also love working on creative projects with other people. The way different ideas can come together to create something original and innovative has always interested me. I am most comfortable in a position of leadership, but also know when it’s important to follow. I have a very strong intuition when it comes to determining how to make people happy. My years of working in retail jobs have taught me much about consumers buying habits and how to appeal to certain demographics. Mathematics has also been a very strong skill of mine, as well as statistical analysis. I hope that an education at FIT will further refine my skills and prepare me for a career in Fashion Merchandising.

If accepted, I will work my hardest to gain a further understanding of the fashion industry. I will take advantage of internship opportunities and work hard to be an example of an extraordinary FIT student. My many skills such as my ingenuity, math proficiency, and love of the fashion world make me the perfect candidate for admission. If given the opportunity to attend FIT, I will work hard to apply myself and excel in the Fashion Merchandising and Management field.